Celebration or disappointment

A few weeks ago Abe and I went to the women's retreat. Abe had respite for most of the speaker time and had a blast playing in the hotel room with her and his discovery toys stacking cubes. The speaker discussed that she was unable to have biological children despite that God gave her a Mother's heart. It was very difficult for her to see so many friends and family members having children. She is in her 50's now so is past child bearing age. However rather than living life "being disappointed" bitter and angry of her childless life she chose to be a spiritual mother to children who did not have role models in their homes. She did admit to grieving what she longed for so much. Abe is sick right now,not really wanting to breastfeed or eat but still playful, happy, maintaining urine output and oxygen levels. Thankfully he is not in the hospital. They think it may be a peanut butter allergy and a cold. So today we went to buy some chicken soup since he loves chicken soup. Oh our drive home I found myself disappointed that he does not sit up,walk or run like the other 2 years around us. I found myself grieving a "normal child", "healthy child" Just yesterday he crawled to me when I told him to come to me because it was time for his bath. I was so delighted and proud of him because his vision teacher has been working with us for him to crawl to me when I need to pick him up, change his diaper, put on his shoes,ect. What is interesting is I did not have a toy to entice him to come. I just told him a few times and put my arms out. He is saying more words to, "yeah", "na" "more". Some times he says the words at appropriate times even. For example, when asked "do you want more food" he says "more" or "is that "yummy" "yeah". He continues to wave hi and bye, blows kisses and makes a "f" sound that he learned when I blow on his food. Sometimes he does this with cold foods as well so he needs to learn the difference between hot and cold especially with the vision impairment. His thyroid level, free T4 was elevated but this was done at Naval and I don't know if there reference range is pediatric specific or not. this week we received our 2 year LLL spoon. It is a tradition for every year you nurse you get a spoon. The first one was "external devotion", I can't remember the 2nd one but I think it something about "strength" I will need to find out and post later. He attempts to sit up now. He is no longer safe on our bed without direct supervision because the little stinker figured out how to get between the side rail and bed and lean over the top of the rails. Abe tries to crawl after the cats now too. A few weeks ago I was in the kitchen doing dishes, yes Glenn, I do clean occasionally, and Abe crawled to the wall by the kitchen and peeked over and smiled at me. It was so incredibly cute. He continues to amaze us all but I find go back and forth in the stages of grief. I am trying to do everything I can to maximize his potential. Starting next month he will be attending class at Holly Ridge without my assistance. This is a huge step for us. I am planning to home school. I hope I will continue to receive the PT, OT, ST, vision teacher and school district support if I do home school down the road for kindergarten. That's all for now since he is sick and I think I am coming down with it as well.