Friday, March 9, 2012

When will the healing come

Abe was born over 3 years ago. Last night when I drove home from AWANAS I saw an ambulance headed south on the freeway. All I could think about was Abe's first ride in a motor vehicle was not cozy in his car seat in the back of the Jeep with me right next to him. Nope it was in an ambulance alone with medical professionals. Shortly followed was his first air transportation in a helicopter to Madigan. Prior to his first "car and plane ride" he was born by emergency c-section. Being told "your baby probably won't survive" Glenn chose to stand outside the OR suite. I heard Abe's cries but did not get to see, touch or hold him. I finally asked as they were stitching me back up. "Is he definitely a boy?" Ultrasounds are not always 100% correct on the gender. The anesthesiologist asked if I could take a look so he was able to pull down the drape. I got a very quick look at my baby. I saw his eyes and the top of his head. Good thing I had my contact lens in. I put them in right before we left to the hospital. I only grabbed my purse, military id, the clothes I had on and my military id. We had absolutely no idea we were having a baby that day. Abe was taken to a room, there is no NICU at Naval Hospital Bremerton. They continued to stitch me up. Glenn got to look at Abe closely and noticed that his arm, leg and butt were black and blue. This is from the trauma of having no amionic fluid and the compression from the cervix. I finally went to the room next to him. Glenn spend time going back and forth between both of our rooms. Since Abraham required CPR about 15 or more people were in the small room so Glenn just stayed with me to be out of the way. One of the pastor's fro our church showed up just as Abe had left. I will never forget the phone call I received from Madigan, asking me if CPR should be continued or not. "He is fighting very hard to not be with us". We briefly discussed it and both decided CPR needed to be continued. I finally got to Madigan. Glenn had some friends drive him. They got to my room. All of us were hungry so we ate. Then a social worker showed up. She took us down to the NICU. The NICU doctor stopped us to let us know the bad news. We finally got to see him 12 hours after birth. At 9 days old more bad news followed. We were told he would be in a vegetative state if he survived at all. I considered stopping life support at this point in time. That night I stayed at the Fisher House and Glenn stayed at the NICU. We decided that someone needed to be with him at all times so he would know he is loved and would keep fighting for his life. I did not sleep that night at all. Glenn got zero sleep as well. So we decided that we needed to take care of ourselves in order to provide for this tiny 2 lbs baby. At this point all we could do was pray, pump breast milk for him and read to him. We were not allowed to touch him or hold him since this would cause his vital signs to be unstable. He required care beyond what Madigan could provide so he was transferred to Children's in Seattle. At 14 days old I got to finally hold my baby but it was brief. It was a roller coaster but I won't get into all the specific details since my prior blog posts say it all and then some. This birth experience was definitely not what I had planned and was not easy. Life with a special needs kid presents different difficulties beyond parenting a typically developing kid would not. I am still very terrified to have another baby but a thought in my head about another one just is not going away. Abe loves other kids and learns from them. I know a few moms that have had some unfortunate situations such as stillborn and hydrocephalus that was diagnosed in utero. Both moms have beautiful healthy baby girls that are incredibly beautiful. God knew what he was doing but I am not sure how to find healing from all the stress and trauma my family endured at this time 3 years ago. Abe truly is a miracle but I am getting more and more people asking me questions like "does he walk". No he is 3 but does not walk. He does try to stand which is beyond what I ever anticipated him to do. He is saying a lot more words too but continues to have a severe speech delay. I am still not sure why God selected us to be his parents. He does make me smile but other times he makes me cry. Any private message advice on how to heal from this trauma would be appreciated.