Celebration or a Funeral

Abraham had a CT scan 3/4/09. The attending physician (the boss of fellows and residents) sat down with us and gave us the most horrible news ever. The CT scan did not show evidence of much brain mass left. What I think this means is that the bilateral brain bleeds have caused significant brain damage that the body absorbed the tissue (the brain) because it was dead. This was 18 hours after the drain was placed so another CT scan will be done today 3/6/09. If this scan does not show evidence of "brain mass" we start asking ourselves "are we planning to celebrate bringing a new baby home in May or are we planning a funeral". This is bitter sweet. There's a country song about a women that ordered flowers for her wedding however the man was killed in war so the flowers were for his funeral instead. I sort of feel this same way however it's about a 1 month old baby that has been though so much. I question what the heck should we do. Should we continue everything knowing that his brain could be gone or do we stop and let him go to Heaven to be with God? I would feel guilt no matter what decision is made. We really need prayer and guidance. The doctors are not pushing us to stop everything, I am the one that questions this because I know the significance of the outcomes however I also know that God has performed miracles. I am having a hard time believing that God would perform a miracle for Abraham. I am not sure if this is the enemy (meaning Satan) causing me to feel like this. I asked Glenn the other night “how do I believe that God can heal him?”; then one of our phones made a sound and no one was touching the phone and no one was calling us. Also the beeper was in my pocket on Monday night and it started vibrating and the ICU was not paging us. This happened during a discussion with another parent when she was saying “what you don’t believe that God can fix what you have on this paper or what the doctors tell you”. Last night Glenn and I touched on this discussion again and the closet light in our room at the Fisher House came on and did not go off. This is just very strange unless its God’s obvious right in your face way of getting my attention. We are headed to bed. We got a sleep room at the hospital tonight with a bigger bed. We will have to check out of this room in the morning. Usually it is for mothers that just had c-sections and I am a month out. It’s so noisy in the other room that is why the nurse advocated for this room for us. I got to stand and hold him tonight. I was so scared when I held him because his oxygen level was very low however the nurse insisted that I hold him. She changed his bed while I held him. When he went back in the bed he was very comfortable and his oxygen level then was too high so she had to lower his ventilator settings (good thing). She advised that he benefited from being held even though it does cause some stress for him. Good night.